User blog:RBlitzwolfer/Creepypasta Review - Waterfall
Hello, this is RBlitzwolfer! Welcome to the Creepypasta Review. Today, we're going to review Waterfall, transferred here by Razi108. Let's start. Grammar Let's review the first paragraph of the story. One of the sentences read, "I am an alt abandoned," but it was worded awkwardly. I would have preferred "I am an abandoned alt." Continuing on to the next sentence, the contraction "didn't" did not have an apostrophe in the last sentence of the paragraph. In addition, the phrase (and I quote), "I didnt really ever feel comfortable" felt like it was worded awkwardly as well. It's not a very good start so far. Moving on to the next paragraph, the starting sentence of it was "Tjroblox123." Just the username "Tjroblox123" as a sentence. In the next sentence, we see another "didnt" without an apostrophe. On the next paragraph, we see yet another "didnt". Again, it's without an apostrophe. It's seems that the chance of being a typo is unlikely now, and is more of a pattern. In addition, the sentence "So I just stalked his account, to find out why he was inactive." feels out of place. I believe a better sentence is this, combining with the last sentence in this paragraph. "I didn't feel like entering his game, so I just stalked his account to find out why he was inactive."" After that sentence, we get another contraction without an apostrophe! This time, it's the word "couldn't". On the first sentence of the next paragraph, we see the sentence "His game was of gore." In my perspective, this sentence confused me. I didn't understand what the writer meant. I wasn't sure if he incorrectly worded it or this is what the writer wanted to write. On the third sentence of the paragraph, we see the phrase "my eyes where going in circles". I have two things to say. For one, the word "where" should be "was". Secondly, I feel like this phrase itself should be a separate sentence. The next sentence after this one is "The sound of an ear ringing was in the background." I felt like it was awkwardly worded, so I came up with a better sentence. "While I was playing, there was a sound in the background that made my ears ring." After that sentence, we have the sentence, "The sound grew more and more loud, until to the point it was dangerous." There's two things wrong with the sentence: It's "louder" and not "more loud", and it should be "until the point that it was dangerously loud" instead of "until the point it was dangerous". Then we have the sentence "The message "tayki" kept appearing". What's wrong with this sentence is that it uses "appearing" instead of "appeared". The story uses past-tense verbs, so this verb should be too. Then, on the next "paragraph" is a run-on sentence as its first sentence. There are two possibilities to fix this: #I looked up. The sky was zalgo-ish and gorey, and it almost looked like intestines. #I looked up, and I saw the sky was zalgo-ish and gorey. It almost looked like intestines. In addition, I was slightly confused at the term "zalgo". I had to look it up on Google. Maybe you should replace the term as "static-like" possibly. On the seventh paragraph, it was a quote from Tjroblox123. There was a contraction without an apostrophe, but I let that slide, assuming it took place in the chat. TO BE CONTINUED. Category:Blog posts